If you had met me two years ago I can guarantee you that you would not recognize me. I was so lost. So guilty. So hopeless. I used to hate every single day that I lived. How the days would bleed into the nights. How everyone pretended that I was fine; even I did. I had no desire for the gospel. It mean nothing to me. I wasn't good enough for it or for God. I didn't deserve a plan of happiness. I didn't deserve His love. I had disappointed Him; and my punishment was living my life everyday without being able to do anything about it.
Then there was this epiphany. God loves me. Jesus died for me. Suddenly it meant something. Suddenly it was real. Suddenly Jesus was a real person who loved me so much that He brought on the abyss I was feeling. He brought it on Himself because He loved me. Suddenly Christ wasn't just an idea anymore ingrained in my brain since primary. Suddenly Christ was real. He was my brother. God was my father; my Heavenly Father. My Heavenly Father who send my brother to die for me; His sister. Suddenly after a year of a living death it just occurred to me. One of the countless nights spent in insomnia so that I couldn't even escape life in my dreams. One of the countless times I cried out for help asking and pleading why. And suddenly, I knew why. And if Christ and Heavenly Father can love me, they can love you, no problem.
After this night I tried to change, but I couldn't do it alone. I still refused to ask for help. How could anyone possibly understand me anyways? After everything I had done to other people and myself all reaching out would do would put a public eye on my problems. My "friends" and family would just disapprove and shake their heads at me. But the reason for my epiphany, the reason why it was still a turning point, was it gave me exactly what I needed and hadn't had. Hope. I had hope suddenly. Hope that the sun would rise. That I would go to school. That I would still be a robot. That I would still feel everyone's criticizing eyes on my all day. That I would go home the exact same as every other day. But, I would have hope that somehow, someday it would eventually end.
The summer after that school year brought another gift from God; trek. Trek came along with a whole new slew of complications, and trials, and frustrations, everything; unimaginable to anyone who doesn't have food specialties. But I guess you would say trek was finally my turning point. It was the event that put that hope into action. I spent four days with nine complete strangers who got to know me better than I thought possible. They didn't judge me, they didn't care what had happened in the past, they only cared about me, now. If it weren't for trek I would still be a vegetable. Only living in the sense that my heart was beating. They never even knew. And they still somehow loved me. Me! I believe with my entire soul that God sent me the best trek family He could find. I still love them everyday. So thank you Sheila, Hannah, Deanna, Jesse, Jackson, Christian, John, Scott, Corey, and Brother and Sister Mathews. God sent you to me and I thank him for it every day. I love you.
And now we move onto more recently. Just last weekend I had the opportunity to perform in a cultural celebration for the new Vancouver BC temple. The celebration was TYC, Temple Youth Celebration, and it was called A Beacon To The World. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed something to ice the cake on how much he cares about me and all of the youth. The celebration itself gave me the opportunity to show my new self to the world. I got to meet new people and completely forget the girl who cried to sleep every night. I got to celebrate the lower mainland of Canada and the pacific northwest of Washington. I got to celebrate God's creation and share it with 12 hundred other youth who love the gospel as much as I do. I got to feel the same peace and happiness and perfection that I had with trek, but without the same camaraderie sadly. That hybrid of emotions used to be completely foreign to me. That utter happiness and peace of the Spirit; that glow. Hearing the prophet speak to us was the best climax of my transformation or conversion that I could have ever dreamed.
Incredible. Amazing. Spectacular. Meaningful. Life changing. There is no one word that epitomizes it. But my life isn't near to being the same as it was. TYC changed my life. Trek changed my life. I am so eternally grateful. That one night about a year ago was the most important moment of my life. It told me to wait, to hold on. That things would get better. If promised great things for my future, and little did I now that it was preparing me to be in the presence of the most important man on the earth today. Better than I could have ever dreamed. To look back and see how far I've come makes me love the people along the way. You didn't know at the time, but you helped me so much. You have not idea.
I love this gospel so much. There is a reason why they call it the plan of happiness. I am so thankful for all of the experiences I have been given and the people who have been put in my path to where I am now. We, the youth of the latter-days, are ourselves a beacon to the world. If I can do it, you can do it. Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell! All is well! All is well! Lift up your voices and sing hallelujah! This crowning glory stands as a beacon to the world!
Then there was this epiphany. God loves me. Jesus died for me. Suddenly it meant something. Suddenly it was real. Suddenly Jesus was a real person who loved me so much that He brought on the abyss I was feeling. He brought it on Himself because He loved me. Suddenly Christ wasn't just an idea anymore ingrained in my brain since primary. Suddenly Christ was real. He was my brother. God was my father; my Heavenly Father. My Heavenly Father who send my brother to die for me; His sister. Suddenly after a year of a living death it just occurred to me. One of the countless nights spent in insomnia so that I couldn't even escape life in my dreams. One of the countless times I cried out for help asking and pleading why. And suddenly, I knew why. And if Christ and Heavenly Father can love me, they can love you, no problem.
After this night I tried to change, but I couldn't do it alone. I still refused to ask for help. How could anyone possibly understand me anyways? After everything I had done to other people and myself all reaching out would do would put a public eye on my problems. My "friends" and family would just disapprove and shake their heads at me. But the reason for my epiphany, the reason why it was still a turning point, was it gave me exactly what I needed and hadn't had. Hope. I had hope suddenly. Hope that the sun would rise. That I would go to school. That I would still be a robot. That I would still feel everyone's criticizing eyes on my all day. That I would go home the exact same as every other day. But, I would have hope that somehow, someday it would eventually end.
The summer after that school year brought another gift from God; trek. Trek came along with a whole new slew of complications, and trials, and frustrations, everything; unimaginable to anyone who doesn't have food specialties. But I guess you would say trek was finally my turning point. It was the event that put that hope into action. I spent four days with nine complete strangers who got to know me better than I thought possible. They didn't judge me, they didn't care what had happened in the past, they only cared about me, now. If it weren't for trek I would still be a vegetable. Only living in the sense that my heart was beating. They never even knew. And they still somehow loved me. Me! I believe with my entire soul that God sent me the best trek family He could find. I still love them everyday. So thank you Sheila, Hannah, Deanna, Jesse, Jackson, Christian, John, Scott, Corey, and Brother and Sister Mathews. God sent you to me and I thank him for it every day. I love you.
And now we move onto more recently. Just last weekend I had the opportunity to perform in a cultural celebration for the new Vancouver BC temple. The celebration was TYC, Temple Youth Celebration, and it was called A Beacon To The World. I think Heavenly Father knew I needed something to ice the cake on how much he cares about me and all of the youth. The celebration itself gave me the opportunity to show my new self to the world. I got to meet new people and completely forget the girl who cried to sleep every night. I got to celebrate the lower mainland of Canada and the pacific northwest of Washington. I got to celebrate God's creation and share it with 12 hundred other youth who love the gospel as much as I do. I got to feel the same peace and happiness and perfection that I had with trek, but without the same camaraderie sadly. That hybrid of emotions used to be completely foreign to me. That utter happiness and peace of the Spirit; that glow. Hearing the prophet speak to us was the best climax of my transformation or conversion that I could have ever dreamed.
Incredible. Amazing. Spectacular. Meaningful. Life changing. There is no one word that epitomizes it. But my life isn't near to being the same as it was. TYC changed my life. Trek changed my life. I am so eternally grateful. That one night about a year ago was the most important moment of my life. It told me to wait, to hold on. That things would get better. If promised great things for my future, and little did I now that it was preparing me to be in the presence of the most important man on the earth today. Better than I could have ever dreamed. To look back and see how far I've come makes me love the people along the way. You didn't know at the time, but you helped me so much. You have not idea.
I love this gospel so much. There is a reason why they call it the plan of happiness. I am so thankful for all of the experiences I have been given and the people who have been put in my path to where I am now. We, the youth of the latter-days, are ourselves a beacon to the world. If I can do it, you can do it. Oh, how we'll make this chorus swell! All is well! All is well! Lift up your voices and sing hallelujah! This crowning glory stands as a beacon to the world!
No comments:
Post a Comment