My Letter to You

I'm taking a page from Autumn's book here and writing a letter blog post.

The past year of my life hasn't been the best. This is what we would call an understatement. Probably about five months ago, after four months of seclusion I stopped doing things solely because I thought it would make other people happy. This doesn't mean that I wasn't still secluded, because that's what I wanted to do. I found no reason to do something if I didn't want to do it. Why would I do something that wouldn't provide some sort of happiness for me, and even if it didn't directly provide happiness a joy in not doing something that wouldn't provide happiness.

You wouldn't understand any of this though, I'm sure. Actually, thinking about it now you probably would. You in fact might be the one person who would understand it. Based on the things you say why it seems as if you cannot relate is beyond me, though.

Now on to the point. I don't know what to do. For a while I was doing something that made me happy. But now it's just hurting me. It's hard for me to let go when I keep thinking back to when this was a good idea. Every time I think about it I think back to all of the awesome times we all had together. But that's all over isn't it? It was over a long time ago, but I wouldn't admit to that I realize now.

I know that I have been in denial for about a year. Telling myself that I am okay, and ignoring things that I know would hurt to think about. I knew/know that I was/am in denial, but I accepted it. I would rather be in denial than think about those things. It goes back to doing things for myself. If I didn't want to hurt or think about it, why should I? I fully accepted being in denial because I thought I was happier like this. That if I faced it I would just be sad all the time, but ignoring it wouldn't make it hurt.

I pretty much made a decision to live in the moment. That was working for me for a while. Until being in denial, living in the moment, and living for what I wanted to do started hurting not only me, but you. I didn't mean to, even though I'm pretty sure that I did. If this is the reason why all of this hurts so much now, then I'm sorry. Though we both know that we couldn't fool ourselves or anybody else for very long anyways.

I always knew that, but I wanted to make myself happy now. I wanted to live in the moment, and for myself. I denied that anything could possibly go wrong. I wanted to hold onto things for as long as I could, that I could live by that cliche. It's better to loved and to have lost, than to never have loved at all. Whatever.

But now I don't know what to do. Part of me says that I'm making things up, being a hypochondriac, and that everything is really fine. But the part of me that still lives in the moment wants to move on; wants to be happy now. Then the other part of me says I won't be happy now if I move on, that I'd be happier in the same boat that I'm on. That things will get better. And now I desperately want to break into O-O-O-H Child. My holding-on part tells me to keep holding on and then things will get easier. But my living-in-the-moment part says that if I move on now, it will hurt, but then things will get brighter. Oh, how I love that song, and how it offers absolutely not help in this situation. How can such an amazing song stand on both sides of my situation? That takes a little bit of skill right there.

You wouldn't understand that either, would you? You wouldn't know that song, or what it even has to do with anything. Then it would ruin what was potentially an awesome reference to the 70s.

So... ultimately the 'live in the moment' part of me wins for the time being. But since part of the problem is that it seems like you are avoiding me, I have no chance to talk to you. I have no chance to let myself move on until I let you know that I'm moving on. And you know what, that just lets me know that I am making the right decision.

I never told you this, since I never got the chance to, but I have this reoccurring dream. I am one of the first people to get in line for lunch, but I cannot decide what to get. I keep making a decision, then getting everything I need for that decision, but then changing my mind. I am eventually that last person left, and the lunch ladies are waiting for me so that they can clean up. I finally make a decision, and barely have any time left to eat, and feeling guilty for letting the lunch ladies down for taking so freaking long.

I doubt this would mean anything to you, but it means a whole lot to me.