All Is Well! All Is Well!

[[note: I wrote this last night. So as soon as I finished writing it I set it down, and said to myself, Kyle, that's what I call myself, I said this is ideal. This here is my soul.]]

Have you read The Color Code? If you haven't I highly recommend it, but if you have then my next sentence will make a lot more sense. I am a blue, therefore I surround myself with sentimental things.

Each night since Trek I have closed my eyes and thought about Friday night with my family surrounding me. My family who stayed up until one bonding and having a crazy good time. I think about the perfectly partly-cloudy sky, and the full moon peeking through. I think about the sounds of crickets and enormously astounding trees rustling in the breeze. I think about the fresh grass and the wonder smell of green. I think about the oasis of Zion, and how it wouldn't have been "Zion" without the sleeping family that was around me.

Every morning that I wake up I turn over and open my eyes to my empty, silent room. I close them and picture the sun rising behind the clouds of Saturday morning leaving brilliant rays in the sky. I picture the crisp smell of new morning and new opportunity. I picture my slowly awakening family around me and my Ma and Pa already up making breakfast for us. I picture the sounds of the other families in our company stirring and embracing a bright new day with an ominously sad tinge that it was soon ending. Then I open my eyes again and I am greeted by my same empty, silent room.

Every night I go to sleep hoping I'll wake up with my family around me; and when each morning I wake up and realize it's over I pray that I won't forget what it all felt like. And every day I smile when I think about focused Sheila, protective Hannah, genuine Deanna, eager Jesse, funny John, quiet Jackson, quirky Christian, honest Corey, witty Scott, and my loving Ma and Pa.

I see my 'boarding ticket' every day amongst other sentimental items that I surround myself with. I think about how Trek is really over. I reminisce and can remember it so vividly that it breaks my heart when I am shoved back into reality. I am so thankful that I can remember Trek at all. I pray to thank Heavenly Father for the best family ever, for the experience I had, and for the opportunity that I had to go.

I want to keep with me the spirit that I had on Trek; what I refer to as my 'Trek glow' [as similar to that of a 'mother's glow'][I'm not *that* weird, okay?]. I don't think that I have ever felt so optimistic in my life. So peaceful with the way my life is *now*. So content with who I am *now*, rather than fighting it. I love the feeling that I have around me all of the time now. It makes me want to smile, and sing and dance. It makes me want to laugh and skip through the pouring rain of Thursday night. It makes me want to cry because now I feel that I have so much *hope*. I am filled with so much *love*.

I used to feel so hopeless. I used to feel so alone. I used to feel so lost. But guess what, Grace, you amazing girl, you! Now I'm found! I think about the things that I used to let control my life. The things that I let keep living when I should've just put the stake through it's heart. The things that shadowed every laugh I made, every smile I let slip, every thought I had. The things that no longer matter. The things that despite or perhaps in spite of I am still happy. *Happy*.

I'm not faking it anymore. I don't have to! I don't have to act like I'm happy, or like I'm smiling, or like I'm okay. I don't have to pretend anymore, because *I am*. I don't have to say 'I'm fine' when I'm screaming on the inside anymore. You have *no idea* how that feels. To love life for the first time in almost a year. My Trek family saved my life, and my sanity. And I love them with my whole heart.

I guess I just need a retrospective blog post. It's hard to think that Trek is *over*. But it's easier to think that just because Trek is 'over' doesn't mean that it has to *die*.